when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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