I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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