I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
