two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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