That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
