She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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