mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
