I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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