I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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