Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
