my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
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Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
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Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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