my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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