No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
