Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
