my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
