The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
