he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
