Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
