Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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