This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
