i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
