btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
