the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
