my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
