i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
