Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
