I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
