If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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