Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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