My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
