After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
