im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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