Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
