Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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