If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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