my vag is so smooth its legendary
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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