hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
