Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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