You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
