Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
