There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
