My entire life is one complicated drinking game
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
