She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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