My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
