Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Yup. One sock.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.