god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
