Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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