I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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