I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
