God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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