I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
