I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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