lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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