Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Dick very happy bro
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
