You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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