Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
