...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
