She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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