Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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