youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
